


big house party with a crowded kitchen

by OneDirectionator



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneDirectionator/pseuds/OneDirectionator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hates Zayn. but when they're forced to work together on a project things change. but do they change for the better?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> High School AUs are always fun so i wrote one. I know its a bit cliché but there can't be too much of something great right? I hope you enjoy it!

Harry's POV

I was just stuffing my school books into my locker when i felt a hand on my shoulder. i turned around and saw louis standing behind me.  
"hey sorry i can't have lunch with you today the game is in 3 days and the coach won't give us even a second of free time."  
"it's okay, good luck i'll catch up with you later." i called after him as he was already jogging down the hall. only seconds later the bell rang and i let out a big sigh. my next lesson was chemistry and i absolutely hated it. not only was the class the most annoying one i had ever been in and literally all of the students major douchbags but Mr White had announced a project for the next few weeks.  
i was just praying that it wouldn't be a group project seeing as i had practically no friends in that class.

i slumped down my bag on the desk, preparing to die, but when Mr white entered the room he started talking about acids and elements and whatnot. for a good 40 minutes i actually thought he had forgotten about the project but only 10 minutes before we were supposed be released into freedom he cleared his throught and with his usual monotone voice he announced: "you all probably thought i had forgotten about the project i mentioned last week. well if you need to know one thing about me, it is that i never forget things. so what's going to happen now is i'm going to read out your name and then someone else's name and that's going to be the person you'll be working with."

I groaned loudly as i leaned back into my seat. there was literally not one person in that entire class i would've enjoyed doing this stupid project with.  
Mr White read out a bunch of names and i almost zoned out thinking about something a lot happier than the fate that i was facing when i was pulled out of my thoughts by Mr white calling my name.  
"harry styles, you'll be teaming up with uhm Zayn malik"  
my heart dropped. Zayn Malik. rugby player, known to flirt with every girl in sight and just all around douchebag. out of every single one of these idiots zayn malik was the one i loathed the most.

i glanced over at him and saw him already looking at me. i wasn't sure what his expression was supposed to mean but then again, mine probably looked quite similar.  
"you will be putting up a scientific thesis and spend the next two months proving it either right or wrong, using only chemical methods. in exactly one months you will be handing in one 10 page essay per team. good luck." just as he had finished the bell rang and i couldn't wait to get out of the classroom.  
when i was at my locker again and thought i had reached safety i saw that Zayn was standing next to me. he was staring at me quite uncomfortably, obviously not wanting to be seen with me.  
"so uhm what'you wanna do for the project?"  
"i have absolutely no idea."  
"i don't know we could just like test what kind of pop drink is the most dangerous like you know that thing where you put a steak in a glass of coke and after a few hours it has dissolved? kinda like that."  
i didn't really care what we did but i wanted him to be gone so i just agreed.  
but before he finally left we still had to exchange phone numbers.

\---

the rest of the week, whenever i would pass zayn in the hallway, he would stare at me and it made me extremely uncomfortable. what if he planned on, i don't know, playing a trick on me? or beat me up?  
i didn't know how to reac so i always just glared back at him, trying to make it seem like i wasn't afraid of him at all.

\---

"are you nervous?"  
"no not really, the coach probably won't let me on the field anyway. i don't get why i practice 2 hours every day when i can't even play. anyway i gotta go. i've got some very important business with a bench" louis laughed as he went off into the direction of the field while i climbed up the bleachers.  
i managed to sit in the first row along with niall. the game wasn't going to start for another 20 minutes so we just sat around talking about current events.  
it seemed like no time had passed when the teams walked out onto the field, aligning across from each other.  
the whistle sounded and the two teams instantly started tackling and pushing each other.  
i had never really understood the rules of rugby but to be fair i also never really tried.

the game was almost over and we were 5 points ahead of the other team. and then we heard the whistle again, signalling the end of the game. we had won.  
i tried to be excited about it but sports couldn't really get me hyped up.  
niall and i went down to the locker rooms to congratulate Louis when we were greeted with the entire team cheering Zayn's name. as much as i hated him he was an excellent player and without him the team would have never won. we just stood at the side awkwardly until the team was done hugging and louis headed over to us. we hugged and congratulated him as well and stayed for a few minutes listening to him talking about the game as if he had been in it. i zoned out after a while, focusing on zayn, who packed his bag and apparently couldn't get his dumb smile off his face. although the longer i looked at him the more certain i became that it was a different kind of smile than the kind with which he charms every girl in his sight. it looked sincere. like he was really proud of himself for doing so good in the game. and for a split second there i stopped hating him because there was nothing to hate. for a split second he was just a regular boy who was happy about winning a game.

"what do you think harry?"  
"huh? oh uh i agree with niall." that always worked.  
"yeah me too" louis said, continuing the conversation. i decided to pay a bit more attention to it now. but just as i thought i had cought up i felt a shoulder pushing against mine. i was ready to bicker at whoever had pushed me when i spinned around and saw zayn.  
"sorry, i'm really sorry." but it didn't sound too legit because his lips were still curled into a huge smile.  
still, i couldn't help but smile back.

\---

it was friday and i just finished my maths homework when i got a call from louis.  
"hey mate how are you doing? listen i just wanted to tell you that there's going to be a pretty big party at jonah's tonight to celebrate our victory and i just wanted to ask if you wanted to come?"  
"depends. who's going to be there?"  
"well mainly the team. but they're all bringing friends so it won't be too bad."  
"okay i'll come shall i pick you up at 10?"  
"yeah sure that'd be great."  
"awesome see you there"  
"bye"  
great now i had to convince my mum to let me go out. thankfully she was extremely relaxed about this kind of stuff. i told her i was going to sleep at niall's just in case i wouldn't make it home that night.  
i played my guitar for a bit and worked on a few songs before getting dressed.  
i didn't wear anything too fancy, just black jeans and a tank top.. i was just laying the final touch on my hair when the door bell rang.  
i lived quite close to jonah's so it only took us 10 minutes by bus.  
when we arrived we could already hear the loud music pumping inside the house. i had only met jonah a couple of times but he lived in this really fancy house. it was almost a mansion.

quite a lot of people were already there and as soon as we entered the door somebody pushed a plastic cup in our hands which we gladly accepted.  
i wasn't sure what exactly it was that i was drinking but it didn't taste all too bad so i got another 3 cups of it.  
louis and i headed over to the dance area. i wasn't really into the music they were playing but with every sip of alcohol your self respect drops.  
we were dancing to daft punk when zayn came over to talk to louis. he seemed quite drunk but i wasnt really one to judge. although the content of the cups still remained a mystery i was now pretty sure it had to be something along the lines of punch.

zayn and louis talked for a while, mainly about the game until louis spotted jonah and wanted to go say hi. that left me and zayn in an awkward staring contest.  
to be honest my anger towards him had almost entirely vanished at that point so when he asked if i wanted to dance i nodded. he was actually quite a good dancer although he wasn't exacly built for it.  
once somebody came up to us greeted zayn and gave us another cup each.  
"right so now that everyone's really drunk i want every single one of you to take the person next to you and fucking make out with them!" the DJ screamed in the middle of a Lady Gaga song.

i looked at zayn. i wouldn't have minded making out with him to be quite honest. it had been months if not years since i had had a proper kiss with someone but before i could even consider my next move zayn pulled me in and forcefully pressed his lips against mine. it took a few seconds until we got more in sync and the kiss turned into a sloppy drunken make out scene. our lips and tounges were lazily brushing against each other, my hands in zayn's hair, his on my hips.

I was too drunk to lie to myself. zayn was an extraordinarily good kisser and even as the song changed i didn't have the intention to stop. i could feel zayn lifting his hand from my hip and resting it on my chest before rubbing all over my torso and back. he lifted up my shirt slightly to brush his fingers over the small of my back.  
finally, i had to break the kiss to get some air. without missing a beat zayn's mouth was at my neck, nibbling and sucking on it. i let out a deep groan, nobody except for zayn could hear. wanting more, i let my hands wander down his back until i was grabbing his ass. he moaned against my neck and it gave me shivers.  
he moved away from my neck just to reunite our lips before taking me by the hand and leading me upstairs. the second bedroom we entered was empty and zayn closed the door before roughly pushing me against it, pinning my hands over my head.  
our mouths connected again, this time more energetic. it didn't take long until he pushed his thigh between my legs, and against semi-hard dick. i let out a long groan, bucking my hips back at him.

i just wanted to get into zayn's pants as fast as possible. i practically ripped off his shirt throwing it to the side before he did the same with mine. our naked torsos were now pressing together and the heat from our bodies felt mesmerizing. apparently Zayn wasn't too keen on taking things slow either because he psuhed me on the king size bed and sat down on my lap, straddeling my thighs. he leaned down but instead of kissing my lips he started to attack my neck again, sucking on it hard enough to leave a bruise but i honestly couldn't care less. if i had something like a sweet spot Zayn had definitely just found it and i was whimpering underneath him and the bastard fucking enjoyed teasing me like that. but soon his own lust won and he started pulling off both of our jeans and pants. he was now hovering over me, completely naked. i could feel our dicks brushing against each other and it made me shiver. for a second nothing happened and i had no idea where we were going from here? were we going to actually have sex or…? my blurry train of thought was interrupted by zayn moving down my body and without any warning he took my cock into his mouth and starting to suck at it. I arched my dack and grabbed at the sheets as i felt the warm and wet sensation of Zayn's mouth. he started bobbing his head up and down, letting my dick slide down his throat. i could hear zayn moan around my cock and it was the best feeling ever. i could feel something building up in my lower stomach and i knew i was close. i moved my hands to grab at Zayns hair, partly trying to pull him off, partly trying to fuck his mouth.

"fuck zayn fuck i'm gonna come" i groaned but i felt him pulling off. well, i thought, to each their own. but he kept jerking me off, keeping his mouth close enough to my dick that i could feel his breath on it. he stared into my eyes, his full of lust and ecstasy.  
"come on come for me" he moaned in a hoarse voice. "i want you to come in my mouth come on".  
and fuck, that pushed me over the edge. throwing my head back i came hard, presumably into Zayn's mouth. after i had calmed down a little i looked down to see zayn still looking into my eyes, his hand on his own cock, stroking it. he had some of my come on his lips and around his mouth. staring at me, he slowly licked it all off.  
"fuck" i whispered, almost getting aroused again.

i realised i had to take care of him now and pulled him on top of me again before flipping us over so that i was on top. now he was so going to pay for what a tease he was earlier. the orgasm had sobered me up enough for me to be at least kind of aware of my actions.  
i had never given head but i figured, i'd just work with what was down there.  
i started by kissing and licking up his lower thigh, which made him let out the most heavenly noise i had ever heard. trying to contain myself i started sucking on his balls next, digging my nails into his hips.

i could feel that he was close but i wasn't done with him yet. neglecting his balls for a second i took a finger in my mouth, sucking on it and trying to get it as wet as possible. zayn was watching with big eyes before letting his head fall onto the pillow.  
when i was happy with the wetness of my finger i started circling it around the tender flesh of his hole.  
at first i wasn't too sure if he was going to like it but the noises that were coming out of his mouth proved me wrong in my doubts. not wanting to let him wait any longer i pushed my finger inside of him and he let out a load moan.  
"fuck harry come on"  
i obliged and took his dick into my mouth, licking over the more sensitive spots. it didn't take long at all until he was coming into my mouth. i didn't get the chance to pull away but i wasn't planning on anyway.  
i swallowed most of it before pulling my finger out of his butt.  
completely spent i lay down next to him and noticed his eyes falling shut as well.  
i leaned in to kiss him one last time before falling asleep.

\---

i woke up in a stranger's bed. the first thing i noticed was the bad smell. not being able to open my eyes just yet i streched. suddenly memories came back to me and i abruptly opened my eyes.  
at first it was just a few pieces but eventually the entire night was replayed in my head. i looked around the room and noticed i was alone in it. so Zayn had left. i didn't exactly blame him i probably would have done the same but i couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. when i made my way through the empty bottles and sleeping bodies i still couldn't get the previous night out of my head.

the air outside was cool but fresh and it was defenitely helping my pounding head.  
the bus ride home was uneventful until, when i was looking out the window, i suddenly noticed the big blue bruise on my neck. i had to cover it up with something but i didn't have a scarf so i pulled up my hoodie and hoped for the best.

it took me a while until i had built up the courage to open the door to my house. my mum is going to be so pissed, i thought. but when i finally pushed open the door expecting the worst my mum just smiled at me "had a good time with louis?"  
and suddenly i remembered. i had told her i was staying at louis' for the night. i sighed in relieve, fixed my hoodie and tried to play cool and pretend like every single one of her words didn't make my head pound even more. i really wasn't in a good state.  
"yeah it was awesome." i broke off as i noticed how sore my throat was and how hard it was to get out even those few words. luckily she was so invested in the mashed potatoes she was making that she didn't seem to notice.

my room looked so normal. it looked exactly the same as it did when i had left. it felt strange because i didn't feel the same at all.  
i flopped down on my bed, realising i should prbably get changed.  
after i had put on some pyjama pants i finally went to bed and as soon as i closed my eyes i had already drifted off.  
my mum woke me up around 3 in the afternoon, bringing me a sandwitch.  
"i knew you'd just stay up all night talking" she said as she left the room. she was extremely naive with these things. god, talking was the one thing i didn't do last night, i thought as yesterdays happenings just wouldn't stop replaying themselves in my head constantly.

i was halfway through my sandwitch when i realised that there was something i had completely forgotten about.  
i had slept with zayn. zayn, who was a guy. did that mean i was gay? my stomach flipped at the thought and i suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. it wasn't like i was homophobic or any of that shit, it just kind of changed everything. i had a plan. finish high school, play in a band, tour the world. marry a beautiful girl, and die happily.  
no, i defenitely wasn't gay. it had just been a one time thing. besides i didn't even like zayn and his stupid pretty smile and sexy voice and fuck. my head was still sensitive and thinking too much didn't do it any good so i decided to completely ignore the topic as best as i could.  
instead i sat down and wrote a song. i wrote a song about headaches and half eaten sandwitches, about dark strange rooms and morning afters. it was hard to concentrate but i had to do something to get my mind off everything.  
by dinner time my head was feeling almost completely fine again and i was glad that i would be able to grab a good night's sleep.  
the plan, well half worked. i did go to bed earlier than usual and i was definitely tired but i just couldn't get my brain to shut the fuck up. the feeling of zayn's lips on my neck and the way he had licked his lips; everything was just too distracting, and the fact that i had a huge mark on my neck to remind myself of all of the above every time i looked into a mirror did not help either.

\---

on sunday i went into town to see if i could find a new scarf. i did have one but it was too old and shady. i found a nice purple one that i actually liked.  
somewtime in the late afternoon all of my supressed thoughts couldn't be held back anymore. i had stuffed everything into a little box with a big red sign that said "never ever open ever" but it had given in.  
i needed to get all of this out so i called louis, asking him if he wanted to meet me. by 5:30 he was sitting on my bed while i was pacing around in my room.  
"listen louis i don't really know how to tell you this but uhm…"  
"harry just tell me. how bad can it possibly be?"  
"well… pretty bad." i said finally coming to a halt in front of him.  
"you remember friday at the party when you left me to say hi to jonah?"  
louis nodded so i continued.  
"well zayn stayed and we danced and one thing led to another and…"  
there was no way i could say even just one more word.  
louis was just sitting there, completely startled, his mouth wide open.  
"well that's… wait but you… but i thought you… really?"  
i nodded, looking as sincere as possible. i didn't want louis thinking i was messing with him.  
"well that's…. something new."  
"please just tell me how stupid i was."  
"you were stupid." he said without any emotion in it  
"but harry, do you like actually like him or was that just a one time thing?"  
"i have absolutely no idea" i answered honestly.  
"are you even…?"  
"i don't know."  
we remained silent for a while, sitting next to each other.  
"what should i do?" i asked into the silence.  
"i don't know. nothing? i mean it's not like you've ever been friends or anything. plus maybe he doesn't even remember."  
louis was right. who said zayn even remembered. i mean he had been really drunk. more drunk than me.  
i blocked out all of the logical reasons telling me that he obviously did remember (or at least know). but somehow it made me feel even worse because for some reason i really really wanted him to remember.  
louis and i spent the rest of the day playing video games and watching some tv. it felt like nothing ever happened that friday.

\---

"get up already you're going to be late! come on!" my mum woke me up, pulling away my blanket. i groaned and tried to get a hold of it but i failed. there was literally nothing i hated more than mornings, especially monday mornings. only half concious i brushed my teeth, got dressed and took a few bites of toast before leaving the house. i was almost out the door when i remembered to grab my scarf. on my ride to school i tried to recall my time table. i wasn't a hundret percent sure if i had chemistry before or after lunch. i finally decided that it was probably after lunch.  
for a good 5 minutes i was standing in front of the school building, not daring to enter. what if i saw Zayn? what if someone from the party had seen us? i couldn't help but worry about it.  
it was only when niall and louis dragged me inside with them that i started losening up a bit.  
thankfully i had been right and chemistry was in the afternoon so i had enough time to come up with a plan. but i couldn't think of anything. i seriously considered just skipping chemistry but Mr White had told me that if i didn't show up in more lesson he was going to flunk me.  
at lunch i sat with louis, niall and louis' girlfriend Eleanor. at first we had thought she was kind of pretentious because she was a part time model but after we got to know her better we decided she was actually pretty cool.

she was talking very enthusiastically about that new job she had and louis' practically stuck to her words. i didn't mind her talking about the job but it destroyed my plans of asking louis for help. instead i had to quickly talk to him on my way to chemistry.  
"louis jesus christ what the hell am i supposed to do?"  
"i don't know just uhm act like nothing happened i guess? be polite but distant."  
that was good enough for me i could do polite but distant.  
when i walked into the class and saw zayn however i realised i couldn't. i had no idea what to say to him when i slid into the seat next to him.  
"today i want you to start your projects and at the end of the lesson i want a thesis or scientific question from every team."  
there was a long time where zayn didn't even acknowledge me and i knew i had to eventually break the silence.  
"uhm i really liked your idea with the coke and stuff." i said.

he looked a little startled, apparently not expecting me to talk to him. "we could do like what soda pop has the most chemicals in it and is the most agressive or something. we could just make a bunch of experiments with them."  
"sounds good" i nodded and forced a smile.  
i relised i had to talk to zayn about friday night the same time i relaised that all the things i had felt for him then didn't seem to have vanished.  
the awkward silence was back. not knowing what to do with myself i would casually touch my neck or lick my lips every time i thought he was looking in my direction. but i never got a reaction. after 10 minutes or so i started to get kind of annoyed. how could he just pretend like nothing had happened. i tried but it just seemed so impossible.

but before i could get worked up about it the bell rang and everyone started packing their things.  
"we don't actually have that much time for the project seeing as exams start in like 2 weeks so how about we start working on the thing today?" i boldly asked, taking none of Zayn's silence bullshit.  
"uh yeah ok."  
"cool i don't live that far away from school and i'm pretty sure i've got some coke and fanta and maybe even sprite so…"  
i had hoped that on the ride home we would at least do some small talk or something. but again, nothing but silence. my mum was still at work so we would have the house to ourselves.  
"just put your jacket wherever you want." i told zayn, while i was already on my way to the kitchen, getting the coke.  
i got coke zero, fanta and some sprite and put them on the dinner table before getting some glasses.  
i realised i had no idea what we were going to do. we needed some sort of ph tester or at least a piece of meat, neither of which could be found in my kitchen. so i just stood in the middle of the room awkwardly. 

"maybe we should uh do some research first." i suggested.  
zayn just nodded and followed me upstairs to my room. i was getting really sick of his attitude. who the fuck did he think he was? how come this seemed to not matter to him at all, yet i had had the worst weekend of my life because i couldn't stop thinking about it.  
as soon as he had closed the door to my room i spun araund and glared at him.

"what the fuck are you doing? are you really going to pretend that nothing happened on friday? are you just gonna pretend like my dick wasn't so deep in your throat you can still feel it? are you just gonna pretend like you didn't beg me to come for you, like you didn't lick every last drop from your lips  
like you didn't fall apart with my finger in your ass?" i was practically screaming at the end of it. i knew i had made a huge msitake around 0.3 seconds after i had said everything. zayn closed his eyes for a brief moment before stepping closer to me. oh shit, he's gonna punch me i thought. and i couldn't even do anything about it, i knew i'd never have a chance against him.

i clenched my fists, seriously expecting a fight but instead of a fist on my eye zayn wrapped a hand around my neck and roughly pulled me in for a kiss. i reacted way too slow and i could already feel him wanting to pull away when my brain finally processed everything and i started kissing him back, tangling my fingers in his hair. we stood like that for either a few minutes or 9 hours i honestly couldn't tell. i just knew that at some point my hands were in his back pockets and our tounges were wrestling.  
eventually we pulled away and zayn backed off a bit again.  
"listen i'm sorry for acting so stupid i… i just didn't know what to do." he looked like a shy little school girl.  
i nodded "yeah me neither and uhm i'm sorry too. for screaming at you."  
he smiled slightly. "hey did you uhm i mean do you regret it?"  
i thought about it for a minute and found that "no. i don't"  
"me neither" he said and it made me look up from my shoes that i was staring at the whole time.  
but before i could ask any more questions zayn had cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips against mine again. not as rough as before and not as sloppy as the first time. it was soft but firm, it was simply perfect and i kissed back leaning into him as much as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn and Harry's story continues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out way longer than I thought it would but it's here!

MONDAY  
it had been over 2 hours since zayn had left and I was lying on my bed, unable to do anything. god i was acting like a fucking 12 year old girl. i kinda felt like it though.  
the problem was that after the ecstasy had died down i started to wonder. and worry.  
zayn had kissed me, okay. but did that mean were like, a couple or something? it wasn't like i'd never had girlfriends but things were very different then. we would go on a few dates and then i'd asked her if she wanted to be my girfriend. or she'd aske me.  
there was no drunken sex, no vague words, no sexuality to be questioned.  
basically i had no idea what the fuck i should do, but strangely it felt exciting. i felt like after a pretty average and boring life so far finally things were happening.

TUESDAY

"god this whole thing is so fucked up." i said to louis, kicking a pebble in front of me.  
"ok so he kissed you and then?"  
"nothing, really. we just made out for a while and then he said he had to get going to his aunt's brithday party or something." I noticed that i was biting my nails again and quickly pulled my hand away. stupid habit.  
"so you didn't talk about it at all?"  
"he said he doesn't regret friday."  
"well that's a start I guess"  
we couldn't continue our conversation because we were just turning the corner to our school and there were way too many people around.  
I just sighed and tried to get my mind off of the whole thing, not thinking about what would happen if i saw Zayn in the corridor today.

\---

The lessons went on pretty uneventful but when i was waiting by my locker for louis to go have lunch i saw Zayn and his friends, mostly rugby players, walk along the corridor. it was bound to happen at some point. the school wasn't too big and Zayn and his friends liked to stroll the school corridors a lot. they weren't exactly bullies, we were old enough to be over that kind of stuff, but they tended to do this thing where they would be extremely nice to you one day and call you a faggot the next. i just hoped that today was a good day.  
as they were coming closer i spotted zayn and as much as i wanted to look away i forced myself to keep my eyes on him, desperately wanting to know how he would react.

he cought my eyes for just a split second before looking away again and not meeting my gaze again.  
well, now at least i knew a bit more. or did I?  
after lunch break i decided that i didn't.

WEDNESDAY

the first thing i thought when i woke up the next day was fuck i have chemistry today. and it was my last lesson of the day as well so i had enough hours to worry about it. i was so sick of my constant overthinking. i wanted to just tell my brain to stop, to just shut the fuck up. but that's the thing. you can't tell your brain anything because in the end it always controls you and there's nothing you can do about it.  
under my blanket it was cozy and warm but i forced myself to get up into the crule, cold world.

\---

my first lesson was english and i was glad. my teacher might have been the most boring one to ever exist but at least she didn't care (or notice) if you were doing anything else.   
"okay uhm Madonna, The Queen and Mr White." niall whispered.  
"that's easy. fuck madonna, marry The Queen and kill mr white" I resopnded, also whispering.  
"yeah same." 

we had been playing fuck, marry, kill for the entire lesson and it was a good way to start off the day.  
but by the 3rd lesson my good mood started to crumble. louis was "off sick" and niall left for the dentist so i was left all alone. okay that was an exaggeration. i had other friends beside them but i wasn't particularly close with any of them. they were the kind of friends who you could have a great time at lunch with but not the kind you could call when your dog died or something.

I had just said bye to Jon and made my way to my last lesson before lunch when i encountered Zayn and friends again. i wasn't going to ignore the fact that Zayn had avoided looking at me. he can't just come to my house, kiss me and then ignore me, this time i stared right at me, trying to look more confident. this, however completely backfired and Pete, who was something like the head of the group, turned his head, glaring at me. "what the hell are you looking at?"  
shit. "what the fuck are you looking at?" now wasn't the right time to be confident, i told myself. i should have just said sorry and kept on walking.

on a bad day they would have maybe called me a dick and kept walking but today seemed to be an extra bad day because now they were approaching me, or rather circling around me and trapping me against the locker. i had only been in a fight with them once and some people might argue that i got my ass kicked but i'd say it definitely ended in a tie.

i heard the bell ring and thought thank god now they'll have to leave. but i was wrong because apparently today was an extre extra bad day. Pete grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed me back against the locker. not knowing what to do i searched for zayn's eyes in the crowd. he wouldn't let him hit me, right?  
my thought was interrupted by a fist hitting my cheek. he only hit me twice but he hit me hard. so hard that i had to concentrate not to let my knees give in and sink to the ground. the least i could do is take it with dignity. but the blood running down my cheek didn't exactly help with that.  
Pete glared at me once more before he left and again, zayn's eyes were nowhere near me.

when i didn't see them looking at me anymore i quickly turned around the corner and pushed open the door to the boy's bathroom. i just wanted to get a towel to stop the bleeding so i didn't have to go to history with a bloody face. dignity.  
I took a paper towel and held it under the running water for just a second when i heard the door open.  
i quickly turned on my heels, not wanting anyone to see me with a bloody face but when i turned around i saw that standing in the door was Zayn.  
Before i could even open my mouth he stepped closer to me and pushed me against the wall with a firm grip. his lips crashed against mine and he didn't take his time to open my lips with his tongue and start licking into my mouth. 

i didn't resist. i couldn't bring myself to. so i just sank into the kiss, enjoying the warmth of his mouth and the softness of his lips. He tasted like mint and something sweet, it was hard to explain.  
he smelled good too. he smelled like a friday morning in spring, like freshly mowed grass and roses. it was the kind of smell you would want to smell every day when you woke up.

i felt him pull away way too soon and i tried to follow his mouth a little.  
he stared into my eyes, panting and licking his swollen lips before stepping away and taking the wet paper towel from my hands. carefully he brushed it against the cut on my cheek. i whinced at the contact with the fresh wound. he looked quite distressed. he looked sorry.  
when he was done he threw the towel away and looked me in the eyes once more.  
"I'm sorry." he breathed, hardly audiable but loud enough for me to hear.   
i wouldn't have brought out a word even if i had tried so i just gave him a quick nod.  
he gave me one last peck on the lips before walking out.

i didn't move for a good 5 minutes. i still didn't know much more than i did before. everything was just extremely confusing.  
after a while however i realised that i had a class to go to so i fixed myself up a bit, washing off the last bit of blood and hurried to class.

\---

"wow you guys are going to be the new romeo and juliet or some shit. one day we'll find you dead, lying on top of each other" louis laughed with a mouth full of pasta.  
"jesus louis could you keep it down a little bit?" I hissed.  
he shrugged and shoved some more pasta into his mouth.  
"you should probably talk about it you know?" niall chimed in.  
he was right. of course we should. but when? he was always with his friends.  
as if he had read my thoughts louis suggested "you have chemistry last today, just say you need to talk to him about your project and that's it."  
i didn't feel too good about it but i saw that it was the only way so i agreed.

chemistry was as boring as always just that it was even harder to pay attention to the boring blabbering of Mr White than usually. i thought about what i should say to zayn but i decided that it would be best to simply improvise. before i could realise what an awfully bad idea that seemed to be the bell rang.  
I went up to Zayn and with as much confidence as i could find in myself i said "hey listen i need to ask you something about the project so if we could forget about how much we hate each other for just a second that would be awesome thanks."   
I was proud of my acting skills because his friends seemed to buy it and muttered their 'goodbye's and 'see you later's.  
we were extra slow with packing our things so we could be the last ones to go.

when we left the classroom the corridor was deserted. Zayn and I went to the end of the hallway and once we were standing across from each other i realised that i had no idea what to say. the way he was looking at me with big honey brown eyes in no way increased my brain functions either.  
"so uhm" i started. "we should probably talk"  
"yeah" he agreed with a nod. good, at least we agreed on that.  
I said the first thing that came to my mind. the question i had asked myself ever since saturday morning.  
"what are we?"  
obviously expecting the question Zayn looked down, fiddeling with the hem of his shirt.  
"I don't know"  
Also good. at least we were on the same page on that one as well.  
Zayn swallowed hard before looking up at me again. "I don't know" he repeated "but i think in some weird way i like you. or at least i like kissing you" he let out a small laugh.  
"yeah i suppose i like kissing you too" That was when i realised what i really felt for Zayn. it wasn't love or friendship or loathing. it was lust. the way he licked his lips, the way he brushed his fingers through his hair, the way his eyes crinkled a bit when he laughed, everything about him just made me want to press my lips against his and never let go.  
"this is just so fucked up" he said seeming to have lost most of his awkwardness and being back to his usual self.  
"yeah i know right?" i said laughing and loosening up too.  
"listen how about we just go out sometime? we've got nothing to lose right?"  
"sounds good"  
"uhm how about tomorrow after school at Royal Oak? nobody i know ever really goes there so…"  
"awesome. So I'll see you tomorrow" I smiled.  
"yeah see you tomorrow" he said, hesitating for a second and looking around before stepping forward and pulling me into a short but deep kiss.  
"sorry i couldn't resist" he smirked before walking away.  
so i was once again left to stare after him like a fucking schoolgirl.

\---

that day i finally got a good night's sleep. i was just happy that things were clear now and that i had a date with Zayn Malik. If you would have told me that a week ago i would've laughed in your face but now there was nothing i would rather think of before falling asleep.

THURSDAY

We met at the corner of the street our school was in. I only had to wait a few minutes before i could see him walking up to me. he looked around, checking if there was anyone around but there wasn't. from the way he smiled at me i almost thought he was going to kiss me for a second but he didnt.   
We didn't talk much on our way to the pub, mainly about how we should probably start working on that fucking chemistry project. but although we were quiet for the majority of the time it wasn't awkward. it was almost comfortable and relaxing.   
When we entered the pub Zayn led me to a table in the far back where it was almost impossible to see us.  
we ordered our food and drinks.   
"so harry, tell me about yourself."  
"there's not too much to tell really, I was born on February 1st, I have an older sister but she moved out a couple of months ago. My life isn't really that interesting."  
we were interrupted by the waitress bringing our drinks. 

"what do you like to do?" he continued, taking a sip from his drink.  
"is this an interview or what?" I conquered. "I play the guitar so i write songs a lot. do you play any instruments?" I tried to keep the conversation up.  
"not really. My mum always wanted me to play the piano but i didn't really agree. I like to sing though."  
I was surprised that he did anything other than walk around school with his friends and play rugby but i guess i didn't know him as well as i thought.  
"really? that's awesome, we should like play together sometime."  
He smiled "yeah that'd be cool"  
we talked all about what music we liked, had a little fight over whether Elvis or Micheal Jackson were the best artist of the 1900s, and what we wanted to do in the future.  
"to be honest i have no idea. i guess my parents want me to be a doctor or a lawyer or something but i'm not sure that's what i want." Zayn said, looking down at his drink. From where i was sitting i couldn't see outside but i was sure it had to be getting dark soon.  
"my mum wants me to get a job this year so i can save up for university. I applied at this bakery, I hope they'll hire me."  
"I'm sure they will, someone as pretty as you" he smirked and i could almost feel myself blush. what the fuck was going on? since when did i blush? I guess i really was heads over heels for that boy.  
"hey can i ask you something?" I asked after a short silence.  
"sure"  
"when did you find out you're... you know?"  
"since when i know that i'm gay?" he raised an eyebrow.  
"yeah."  
"well i guess i found out when i was 13 or 14. i was never really interested in girls. I only had one girlfriend and it lasted about a month. But i just kind of ignored it you know? it was never a problem. well, until you."  
Okay now i was definitely blushing. fuck. why the hell does he have to look at me like that?  
"how about you?"  
"well I… didn't really." He seemed genuinly surprised at that.  
"well then, sorry for turning you gay i guess" he laughed and i joined in.  
"have you told your parents?"  
"god no, they would… I actually don't know what they'd do but i'm definitely not risking it. my parents aren't really the problem anyway. I mean you've seen what the team's done to you for… nothing" He looked irritated at that and it wasn't a nice look on him. "imagine what they'd do to me if they found out I'm gay."  
"but they aren't all like that. I mean Louis isn't." I suggested.  
"hah yeah but he isn't exactly the coolest kid on the block. let's just talk about something happier okay?"  
when we left it was dark outside. It couldn't have been too late though because there were still people on the streets, walking home from their job, going to parties, who knew where each of them were going.   
That man in a business suit could be going to a bar to drink as much as he could to forget about the fight with his wife. The girl in the short skirt could be walking home from her boyfriend's. the elderly woman could have just stolen a loaf of bread because her retirement income can't pay the rent anymore. that young man could have just been beaten by his girlfriend, she wasn't the same anymore since her mother died. The girl in the flower dress could be on her way to the next high building, begging for the courage to jump.  
and the two boys walking down the street keeping their distance between them could be walking home from a date, both eagerly wanting to hold the other's hand but also both realising that they couldn't

"I should uhm turn left now." I said breaking the silence.  
"I'll walk you home"  
I nodded and we continued walking in silence.   
the streets turned to small roads and soon we were alone.   
Feeling a rush of confidence I slowly slid my hand into his. he welcomed my touch and laced our fingers together.  
I realised that it was the first time we were holding hands, which felt weird seeing as it was such an innocent thing and we had already gone pretty much all the way. it felt like we were doing everything the other way around.   
Zayn's hands felt firm and warm but gentle and soothing at the same time. I never wanted to let go.  
The way home was way too short and i would have loved to walk with him forever but we were now almost at my house. Before we could reach the door though he pulled me into the alleyway.

It was almost completely dark there but i could still make out the features of his face.  
"I really had a great time Harry." He said, putting his hands in his back pockets.  
"me too."  
"and I really hope that we could uhm do this again sometime."   
"yes I… I would love that."  
"So I guess that means we're kind of… dating?" he said the last bit with a hint of uncertainity_  
I felt my lips curling into a smile. dating.  
"yeah we're dating."  
"does that mean i can kiss you now."  
I laughed at that. "yes. yes you can." and with that i slung my arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. it was funny how every time we kissed it was completely different. but every time it was amazing and left me lightheaded.  
"goodbye" Zayn whispered against my lips before pulling away and exposing them to the cool autumn night again.  
He smiled at me once more before stepping away, wanting to leave but i grabbed his wrist.  
"no. this time i'm going to be the one who walks away" and i did. but i was grinning the whole time. 

\---

Things with Zayn were going great. we were now dating for exactly two week. we went to go see a movie on saturday (although to be completely honest I have no idea what the movie was about, it had sounded quite cool though.) and again on thursday (same situation). on tuesday he came over to my place so we could finally work on that damn project. it turned out he was the most polite person ever and my mum immediately loved him. Another thing we loved to do was take walks. We would just walk for hours. We didn't know where we were walking we just turned right when we wanted to go right and went left when we wanted to go left. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn't. And when there weren't any people around we would hold hands and just walk together.

Things were a lot less complicated than i thought they would be. We texted a lot and when we met it was after school so nobody really had the chance to see us. it was during school that it was a bit weird. whenever i saw him in the hall all i wanted was to push him against the next locker and kiss him until our lips were red and swollen. but i had to settle for a few stolen glances and maybe a smile here and there. but at least we knew that it was a lot more. and that was enough.   
The other thing that was a bit strange was that we basically had to get to each other while we were already dating but it felt exciting.

short version: I was happy. The kind of happy where you catch yourself humming a stupid love song while doing the dishes, where you laugh at jokes that aren't even funny just because you feel like laughing, where you know you're completely stupid but you don't care.  
So yes things were going great.

THURSDAY

"ok so I just pour it on the steak?"  
"yeah but make sure it covers the entire thing."  
"right okay." I say, carefully pouring the same amount of coke in the bowl as in the other two.  
Zayn was sitting cross legged on my bed while i was at my desk, pouring soda pop on a piece of meat. I had a bad feeling about this project.  
"okay now the same with the Sprite" I do the same with the sprite.  
"are you sure the steaks are all the same size?" I ask.  
"yes, yes, yes we checked like 4 times already. now come here."  
I stepped over to the bed and sat down next to him.

"I just hope it'll work, we don't have time to start another project and…" I was cut off by Zayn pressing his lips against mine but I only tried to struggle for a second before giving into the kiss. My hands quickly found his neck, pulling lightly at the short hair at the back while his hands were resting at my hips. He started licking my lips and, getting the message, I parted them, allowing him to deepen our kiss. When we had to break away for air Zayn used this to pull me on top of him so we were lying on my bed. His hands wandered down, gripping my arse and finding my lips again. the second time we broke the kiss he started kissing his way down my cheek to finally nibble at my neck and oh god I remembered that. I couldn't help letting out a small moan which made him chuckle which made his breath tingle my throat which made me moan again. Zayn was now sucking at my collar bone and I wanted to tell him to stop, not wanting a bruise but I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud. actually i couldn't bring myself to do anything but moan again and roll my hips down against his, clearly feeling the bulge in his jeans. Zayn slid his hands under my shirt, his warm hands caressing my torso and I rolled my hips down again, harder this time.

Soon both of our shirts were off and I was already fiddeling with Zayn's belt. He was staring up at me, breathing heavily. I finally managed to geth his jeans open and yanked them down together with his underwear. Then I moved to my jeans and was out of them in a few seconds. I was sitting on top of him, letting my fingers brush over his chest and stomach. Zayn grabbed my shoulders and slowly pulled me down into a deep kiss. I could feel his dick rub over my stomach and when I bucked my hips forward it made him let out this heavenly noise.

I would have stopped, given him a blowjob but I couldn't. the friction was too much but not enough. all i could do was bring a hand between us and wrap it around both our dicks. Zayns nails were digging into my back but the mild pain just added to the pleasure.  
"Harry fuck" Zayn moaned and shit that was it. I was so close. and when he whispered "I'm so close come on come for me" into my ear I was gone, my orgasm hitting me hard. I could feel him coming as well, making everything between us sticky and gross and amazing.  
I fell down on the bed next to him, breathing heavily.

"wow" Zayn said.  
"yeah wow" I laughed.  
I grabbed a tissue to clean us off and pulled the blanket over us before lying back down next to him.  
we lay there in complete silence for a while.   
"I think i'm gonna tell my mum" I said suddenly. He turned his head and looked at me.  
"what?"  
"that I'm uhm that I'm gay." I still wasn't a hundret percent comfortable with saying that out loud. god knows how i would manage to tell my mum but I knew I wanted to. I noticed that she felt like she was losing me. She would often come to my room just to ask me what I was doing or if I wanted to go shopping or to the cinema. She never used to do that. But I understood. With dad gone and my sister having her own place now it was understandable that she felt alone. So I didn't want to make the space between us any bigger by keeping important things from her.  
"are you sure?" zayn asked with furrowed brows.  
I nodded. "I don't see a reason why not I just don't want her to, I don't know walk in on us and find out that way or something."  
"wait no, no, no" Zayn said, sitting up. "you can't tell her about us."  
"what? why not?" I asked, also lifting myself up from the mattress.  
"Because, I don't know, she'll tell a friend who just happens to be a friend of my mum and then she'll tell her and no." he shook his head. "just no. Harry, you're the only person who knows I'm gay and you're my boyfriend so…"  
"Boyfriend?" I asked, a smirk on my lips. It was the first time any of us had used that word.  
Zayn looked down at his lap and I could see his cheeks reddening.  
"yeah I mean that's what we are right?"  
"yeah. we're boyfriends." i brought my fingers to his chin to lift his head up and plant a soft kiss on his lips. "I won't tell her about us." I said against his lips before pushing him back down onto the mattress

\---

Zayn had only been gone for about an hour but it had been a dreadful hour. I knew that my mum was coming home at 8 and I still needed to think about the exact phrasing of my words. I know maybe I should have waited with telling her. but a) I had already though this over for a week now and b) if i spent any more time thinking about it I'd probably go completely fucking mental. So i was going to tell her when she comes home in exactly, oh shit, in exactly 10 minutes.  
I should just say it. 'mum I'm gay.' I mean I was gay. right? yes I definitely liked Zayn. Like like liked him. God what about that boy made me turn into a primary school kid?  
Yes, I liked Zayn. more than I had liked any girl ever.   
I quickly tried to imagine sex with a girl, you know just to make sure. And yes okay it was pretty gross, but I mean vaginas are pretty gross right?  
No, I was just having cold feet, of course I was gay.  
And before I could doubt my sexuality any further I heard the door open and my mum yelling a hello.  
I couldn't say anything back. my throat was completely dry.  
So I just ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath before opening the door and walking out.  
I slowly made my way down the stairs.

"so how was school and everything?" She asked me, setting her bag on the kitchen counter before looking up at me, frowning. "are you alright?"  
I swallowed hard. "yeah mum. yeah I'm fine I just need to talk to you real quick."  
"what happened? did you get into a fight? did you fail a test? honey whatever it is you know you can tell me".   
I shook my head. "no, no it's nothing like that, just, maybe you should sit down.  
She did as she was told but she was still giving me a concerned look.  
I took a deep, deep breath before just saying whatever came to my mind.  
"Mum, do you remember when I was like 5 and I got into a fight with Mike and Bob from next doors? I came home with a bloody knee and I was crying because I thought you weren't going to love me anymore but while you were putting a band-aid on my knee you told me that no matter what happened you would always love me." I couldn't help the single tear rolling down my face when I imagined that after this she might not be able to say that anymore.  
"Mum," I took one last deep breath and closed my eyes. "I'm gay."  
"Harry," she started, getting up from the chair.  
"Mum just, just, do you still love me?"  
"No. No, Harry. I don't still love you. I love you. period. There is no still with love. You are my son and I love you no matter what."  
Tears were now uncontrollably streaming down my face as I felt my mum's arms sround me. I burried my face in her shoulder while she was repeatedly telling me how much she loved me and that she was proud of me.  
After I had calmed down she motioned me to sit down at the table. I expected buts but there weren't any. "what do you want for dinner? We have pasta or fish."  
"Uhm pasta would be cool."  
She smiled at me and I was just so glad I got this over with.  
"So that Zayn that seems to be here every day is he…" she smiled knowingly.  
and just like that she was back to being my mum, who apparently believes that I sleep with anyone I interact with. although in this case it was true.  
"what? no!" I objected, remembering Zayn's words. "we're just doing this chemistry project together that's it."  
But I had to be blushing too hard (which was a thing I just started doing all the time now apparently) because she raised her eyebrow even higher. "yeah, no, sure you're friends, of course."  
"Mum really he…" but I realised it was too late. all i could do now was trying to prevent the worst. "listen you can't tell anyone okay? nobody knows and he really wants to keep it that way please you can't tell anyone!"  
She was grinning so wide now that I was afraid her face was going to rip in two. "I won't say a word, I promise."  
I nodded, extremely relieved.  
"oh but congratulations." she said with a wink.  
"thanks." I couldn't help the smile that was forming on my face.   
I stayed in the kitchen, watching her make dinner (and occasionally helping her). we talked about anything. I told her about school and complained about Mr White and she complained about work and her annoying boss.  
It was nice. I think we both had really missed each other.

FRIDAY

"Okay so it's been exactly 23 hours and 50 minutes now."  
"good, did you look at them yet?"  
"no I wanted to wait until you came over." I let the door fall closed behind me and toed off my shoes. Zayn and I walked to the kitchen table, where I had aligned our experiments.

"okay ready?" I asked before lifting the kitchen towel from the bowls.  
"jesus that smells like shit" Zayn said, taking a step back.  
I bowed over the bowls seeing that the steak was still a steak, the only difference was that it had adapted a dark brown-ish colour and a terrible smell. the steaks in the bowls with the Fanta, Sprite and Ginger Ale weren't too different.  
"well I guess that answers our question." I stated.  
"should we just take pictures and then just" he waved his hands in front of his face "get rid of it."  
"Good idea."  
We took a few photos of each of the steaks. Then I poured the liquid into the sink and threw the steaks into the waste basket.  
"My mum will be home in a few minutes" I said while washing my hands (with a fuckload of soap).  
Zayn nodded. "Did you tell her yet?"  
"yeah."  
"and? what did she say?"  
"She was really cool with it. told me she loved me and stuff."  
"That's, that's awesome I'm happy for you." Zayn smiled.  
But before we could continue the conversation the door opened and my mum came in.  
"Hello Harry, sweety and, oh, hello Zayn" She greeted us with a knowing smirk on her lips.  
"I hope I'm not interrupting something."   
I signalled her to stop, trying to get her to shut up but that only made her smile even wider.  
"Don't worry, I'll knock on your door when I want something."  
This was bad. I hadn't even gotten the chance to tell Zayn that she knew.  
"Zayn and I need to uhm go write our essay so we'll just… go now." I stuttered, quickly pulling Zayn up the stairs.  
He shut the door behind us but stopped.  
"So how about I write and you…"  
"you told your mum." He stared at me.   
I turned to look up at him. "no. no, I didn't. she just… figuered."  
"I told you not to tell her." his voice was getting louder.  
"I didn't, okay? She just figuered it out by herself. It wasn't too hard to guess."  
I was waiting for him to say something but he just kept on staring at me, waiting for an explenation.  
So I continued "I told her not to tell anyone and that your parents don't know and she promised not to tell, okay? what does it matter anyway if she knows?" I tried to keep my voice down.  
Zayn brushed his hand through his hair. "you don't get it, do you? I told you, nobody knows. now she knows. and tomorrow someone else is going to know and then someone else and so on." He was now almost yelling and I really, really wanted him to stop.  
"She told me she won't tell anyone. Why would she lie? She's not like that, you don't even know her!" I conquered, suddenly feeling extremely defensive of my mum.  
"Yes, you're right, I don't know her so how do I know she's not gonna tell. Besides that'a not even it. I told you I didn't want anyone to know okay? Fuck, Harry you don't understand." He was now furiously running his hand through his hair.  
"What? What don't I undestand?" I yelled, not able to control my voice anymore.  
"Everything! For two years no one knew!"  
"Fuck, Zayn I just told my mum. that's it. she's the only one who knows. no one else. Just get over it!"  
He looked at me for the first time since our argument (fight?) had started. I thought he was going to yell at me more. But he didn't. he turned around and walked out of my room and down the stairs. I hurried after him but all I saw was the door being shut violently.  
My mum was standing at the other side of the stairs, staring at me with a questioning look.  
I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to let everything out on her but when I opened my mouth I realised how stupid that was. it wasn't her fault as much as it wasn't mine. So I just walked back into my room and flopped down on my bed. She didn't come to check at me. she knew when I wanted to be left alone (which was most of the time).  
At some point I fell asleep and only woke up when I heard my mum calling me down for dinner.  
she asked me if I wanted to to talk about it and I said no. So we didn't talk about it.  
When I was back in my room I realised that I still had to write that essay. tomorrow, I told myself and went back to sleep.

SATURDAY

I woke up early on saturday, probably due to the fact that I fell asleep at, like 8 pm the previous day.  
My mum wasn't up yet so i decided to mow the lawn. because, you know, that's what teenage boys do on a saturday. truth was: I really didn't have anything else to do and if I just sat around it would probably kill me.  
When I was done mowing the lawn I made breakfast, burned some bacon, made some more bacon and boiled eggs. My mum came down when I was done, helped me save the second portion of bacon and we had breakfast. 

She still didn't ask what was wrong. Most of the time I appreciated that but sometimes I wished she would annoy me.   
see, I don't want to talk about it but it would be nice to know that she actually cared about my life.  
In the afternoon I started writing the essay. but I got a bit distracted by my guitar looking really nice and playable. In the evening I called Louis. I didn't tell him about our fight (argument?), we just talked about school and his asshole coach and movies. We hadn't done that in a while and it was nice pretending that nothing was wrong and my life was exactly like it had been a months ago. The life of a moody, tired and constantly slightly annyoed teenager. well I was still all that but somehow I felt different nonetheless.

SUNDAY

On sunday I stayed in bed for as long as I could but by noon I couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore. I rolled over, breathing into the pillow. that was when I noticed that it still smelled like Zayn. it still smelled like freshly mowed grass and roses.  
I closed my eyes again, breathing in the smell until it was gone. then I finally rolled out of bed.  
I spent the day finally finishing the essay. It wasn't good and probably a bit too short but it was the most I could write about some stupid experiment that took us about 15 minutes in total. I just tried to add as many pictures as possible.  
i didn't worry too much. ok thats a lie. but i told myself that i wasnt worrying too much.   
All in all my weekend was pretty normal. well except for my constant overthinking about what would happen on monday but let's just ignore that.

MONDAY

Monday came around eventually and I wanted to stay in bed all day, seeing if I could find even the faintest smell of Zayn left on my pillow but it was removed by my mum, along with my duvet.  
I made sure to grab the printed out chemistry essay and headed out of the door.  
Niall was waiting for me at the same corner as always and I couldn't keep things to myself anymore. so i spent our short way to school talking fast to make sure he knew about all the details.  
"so you're gonna talk to him about it right?"  
"that seems to be your solution for every problem."  
"yeah well it worked so far."  
He was right, I had to give him that.

\---

I saw Zayn in the hallway twice but thank god Niall and Louis were with me each time so I could just pretend I didn't see him.  
In chemistry however I couldn't pretend anymore.  
"okay class, please take a seat next to your project partners." Mr White said in his usual dull voice.  
I could hear Zayn's friends groan but kept my head down.   
When I saw Zayn slumping into the chair next to me in the corner of my eye I still didn't look up.  
After all I still had to pretend I didn't like him. plus pretending to ignore him. It gave me a headache.  
"I am now going to walk up to every group and collect your essays. Please summarize them in a few words for me."  
Of course Mr White came to Zayn and me first. (I told you he hates me.)   
He was staring at us expectantly and Zayn was getting extremely nervous next to me.   
Right when he wanted to say something, probably a made up excuse I pulled the finished paper out of my bag and handed it to Mr White.  
I noticed Zayn's stunned look on me.  
"Please summarize" Mr White said annoyed.  
"Well we thought it was time to clear up the urban legend of coca cola or other fizzy drinks being able to dissolve meat so we made a couple of experimentw and proved it wrong. We observed a bad smell after 24 hours but the meat was in no way dissolved."  
Mr White nodded and without a word moved on to the next students.

Zayn and I sat in silence for a while until I pulled our my notebook and scribbled a message on it.  
"We should talk…" I wrote. I didn't want it to sound apologetic because I wasn't going to apologize. I did want to get him to worry though.  
I pushed my notebook over to him, keeping my eyes straight forward.  
after a minute or so I got it back.  
"11:20 in the school yard?" it was now 10:40 so I would have to tell my english teacher I had to go the bathroom and then sneak off to the school yard. Which was in my opinion just unnecessarily complicated but to be fair it was the only way we could talk in peace.  
I wrote back "ok"

In english at exactly 11:15 I asked to be excused. By 11:16 I was in the corridor. sneaking out into the yard wasn't too hard and every student knew how to do it. it was like general knowledge.  
I went to the boy's restroom, into the last, right cubicle. There I opned the window, stepped on the toilet seat and crawled through the window. I still wasn't in the yard though. I was only on the basketball court (where it was a lot more likely to be seen). To get to the actual yard I had to climb over a pretty high fence which wasn't really a problem. I was used to it. finally on the lawn I made my way to the other end of the yard that had trees and bushes and was completely shielded from view since on that side of the school there were only storage rooms so there were no windows.  
Zayn was already there, leaning against a tree and when I looked on my watch I saw that it was 11:21.  
I walked up to him so we were standing across from each other but still had some space between us.  
"you wanted to talk?" he raised an eyebrow.  
His attitude annoyed me. as if I wanted to apologize.  
"no. i just said that I think we should talk." apparently the thing with making him worry hadn't worked.  
He simply nodded.  
"I'm very sorry that my mum knows you're gay but it simply wasn't my fault and I also don't see a problem with the situation."  
"awesome if you could just be a bit louder, I think the people in Japan didn't hear you."  
"There's no one around Zayn!" I said, this time really getting louder.  
"I really don't understand what your problem is, Zayn. So what if your friends know. They're your friends, they won't kick you out of the team for that shit. You've known for 2 fucking years and you never thought about maybe telling anyone? I just… I don't understand."  
"yes, you're right! you don't understand!" He yelled, pushing himself from the tree and standing up straight now.  
"then make me understand!"  
"Ever since I was a fucking kid I was an outcast just because of how I looked. Just because My dad happens to be from a different fucking country. Now after 10 years I'm finally in a school where people don't give a fuck about that, at least as long as I'm popular. I've felt like a freak because of how I looked for too long just to be regarded as a freak because of who I love."  
"Don't pretend like we're the only ones! What about Ryan and Brendon? Nobody gives them shit!"  
"It's not the same!"  
"Whatever! if they accept you for how you look they're not gonna give a fuck if you kiss me in the hallway are they?" I was sick of his stupid excuses.  
"Harry, please I know them better than you okay?"  
"Maybe. but they don't know you! They don't know anything about you!"  
"I don't care! don't you see that I don't care if I can talk to them about emotional bullshit!? I just wanted to be happy and feel like I belong somewhere for once in my fucking life! And it worked! Everything was good, my life was great! Everything was easy and fine until you came along!"  
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to cry. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to be kid again. A kid who didn't have these kind of problems.  
I swallowed hard. "well im sorry for ruining your life"  
I expected some sort of comeback. To be completely honest I expected an apology. or at least I hoped for an apology. But there was none. There was nothing.  
He just stared at me with an empty expression on his face.

So I walked away. I didn't even run. I still gave him the chance to say something, wishing he would. Even if it was more yelling, I didn't care. All I wanted was for him to show any emotion. to show me that he had any kind of emotion for me.  
But he let me walk away. He let me walk over the lawn. He let me climb over the fence. He let me walk over the basketball court. He let me climb the wall that led to the pavement in front of the school. He let me walk away.

So I just walked. I wasn't even walking in the direction of my house but I didn't care. I wanted him to come running up after me and say sorry and kiss me. I knew he didn't deserve me wanting this but I couldn't help it. And as long as I didn't stop walking I felt like a there was a chance he would come and walk with me.  
I ended up walking until I came to a park. One I had never been to, probably because it was too far away from my house and there were a lot of parks.  
I sat down on a bench next to the little playground. I watched the kids swinging and climbing and playing in the sand. And I watched the mothers and fathers looking after their kids and reading the newspaper and talking to each other.

And the sad thing was I didn't know who I identified with more. the kids or the parents. I was cought somewhere in between, in a weird place. In a place full of fighting with parents and parties and relationship drama. In a place full of bad grades, mean teachers and Rugby players that punch you in the face.  
I didn't think too much about my fight with Zayn. I concentrated more on my general situation. Where I was now and where I had been 5 weeks ago. Where I was now and where I had been 5 months ago. Where I was now and where I had been 5 years ago.

I wondered, if I could trade back the last month, would I? I didn't know. I thought about it until both kids and parents were going home. and when they did, so did I. I still didn't know.  
When I was home I was happy to be there. my mum asked me where I had been, I said "out". she asked my if I was okay, I said "yes".  
At 8 I came down to have dinner. At 10 I went to bed. At 10:30 I was asleep.

\---

See, when you are a teenager time is different. I think that's why there are some serious communication difficulties between teenagers and adults. For adults a day is a day. For teenagers however a day can be a lifetime. I missed Zayn for 3 whole lifetimes.  
People always say it gets better but sometimes, it seems, it just gets worse. On tuesday I was okay. I still hadn't completely processed everything. another thing about being a teenager: your brain is so cought up in making you grow up that it seems to just take longer to process things.  
On wednesday I was overthinking. I was overthinking every little part of our conversation. Another thing teenagers do.  
On thursday I was just sad. I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted everybody to do the same. Teenagers like to be pitied.  
By friday I didn't want to get up anymore. I told my mum I felt sick but she took away my duvet and pillow anyway.  
I had seen Zayn in the hallway multiple times, of course. Each time I pretended not to see him. Which was stupid because I wasn't really fooling anyone but myself.

FRIDAY

It was firday and I was having lunch with Louis and Niall. I seriously considered to fake sick and let the school nurse send me home. But Louis told me to suck it up and get over it. If it would have just been that easy.   
1 lesson left until I could get home and ignore everything for 2 days. I had english and niall and I were playing tic tac toe.   
"That's the 5th time I've won in a row. are you even trying?" Niall sighed.  
"yes I just…"  
"listen I know you like him but he was a dick okay?"  
"no, that's the thing. he wasn't at all the way he's in school or with his friends."  
"okay but he was a dick when he basically told you that he'd rather lose you than any of his stupid fake friends."  
I looked down at the desk. Niall was right, Zayn was a dick.  
"I know I'm just…"  
"fuck you really like that guy do you?"  
"I don't just like him I…" I didn't know.  
"you love him?" Niall asked raising an eyebrow.  
"I don't know"  
"wow" Louis said "that sucks."  
I nodded. I didn't know how to describe my feelings for Zayn because I had nothing to compare them to. All I knew was that I had never felt that way about anyone before. But to be fair I didn't exactly have the best track record with relationships.  
The bell rang and I packed my things. Louis was waiting for us at the door, ready to leave.  
"come on guys, it's the weekend, we should go out partying, be teenagers!"   
"louis, I don't know if you can recall but I don't exactly have the best history with parties."  
"Okay, that's true, but maybe you just need to have sex, find a cute guy or whatever and…"  
"Louis, stop" I really didn't want to think about sex with anyone at the moment.  
"I still need to get a few things from my locker if that's okay" Niall chimed in.

Louis got a few books from his locker while I was leaning against the one next to him.  
"Stop being so overdramatic." louis commented on my pained expression.  
"He loves him." Niall explained.  
"what?" Louis looked at me as if Niall had just told him the second coming of Jesus was happening.  
"No I don't… I don't know." I answered honestly.  
"oh my god you do" There was now a sly smile on Louis' lips. "Jesus I'm sorry I had no idea."  
But before I could object any more I saw the rugby team approaching us.  
"fuck fuck fuck" I muttered, trying to keep my head down but when they were only meters away from us I couldn't help but steal a glance. I cought Zayn's eyes instantly and he was looking right at me. I couldn't turn away, our eyes locked.

I couldn't turn away when he started walking slower than his friends. I couldn't turn away when He started walking in my direction. I couldn't turn away when he came closer and closer and I couldn't turn away when he was right in front of, softly pushing me against the locker and closing the space between us, locking our lips.  
I couldn't kiss back for a good few seconds, I was too startled. But Zayn didn't care, he kept his lips on mine and his one hand cupping my cheek, until I finally cought up to the whole situation and started kissing him back.   
I was feeling so lightheaded my knees would have probably given in if Zayn wouldn't have had me pushed against the locker with his whole body. His lips were soft and he tasted like mint and smelled like a spring morning.  
I could hear people shouting things like "what the fuck malik?" and a few insults but my brain couldn't process any of it.  
When Zayn finally pulled away, not moving his body he looked into my eyes and whispered, hardly audiable "I'm sorry." and that was all I needed. There was so much to be said, so many apologies to be made but it didn't matter right now because his actions were worth so much more than some meaningless words. Running a hand through my hair he gave me one last peck on the lips before smirking, pulling away and walking back to his friends. I could see them staring with open mouths, not knowing what to do with their bodies but Zayn just walked right up to them, said "what are you waiting for? let's go" and led his still shocked friends out of the school. There were still a few people staring at me but they started to move away, also leving.  
I looked over at Louis who was grinning like it was christmas and then Niall who was still holding his chemistry book.   
I pulled myself together a bit, ran a hand through my hair, picked up my backpack from the ground and threw it over my shoulder. "what are you waiting for? let's go" I smirked at them.  
yes, things were going great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please feel free to leave kudos or comments xoxo


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